Chelsuu *

Sheldon: … when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? The classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision?

Raj: You don’t know we’re wrong yet.

Sheldon: Haughty derision it is. 

Amy: Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullibe and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

Amy: If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hoisery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.

Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

Amy: I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.

Sheldon: Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.

Amy: Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.

Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?

Amy: Tapid water, please.

Howard: Good god, what have we done?

Raj: She wants to meet us.

Howard: Not us. Him.

Raj: Yes, but him doesn’t even know about her.

Howard: Well, him about to find out about her.

Raj: Really? Us gonna tell him?

Sheldon: Who’s going to tell whom about what?

Howard: Sheldon! Hey.

Raj: Hi.

Sheldon: Your surprise confuses me. I live here.

Howard: Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon?

Sheldon: Be more specific.

Howard: Four thirty.

Sheldon: That’s not afternoon. That’s preevening.

Howard: What?

Sheldon: It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevening. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.

Raj: Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevening?

Sheldon: Well, tomorrow’s saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending my preevening pre-sorting and pre-soaking. 

Howard: Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?

Sheldon: I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.

Raj: But it’s true.

Sheldon: *Snort*

Raj: But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site, answered all their questions just like you would, and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler.

Sheldon: Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matching sites are complete hokum.

Howard: And that’s exactly the answer we have to the question, “What is your attitude towards online dating?”

Raj: Howard wanted to write “Mumbo jumbo,” but I said, “No, our Sheldon would say ‘Hokum’.”

Howard: Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiousity?

Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.

Raj: Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years.

Sheldon: He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.

Howard: Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later.

Sheldon: I don’t drink coffee.

Howard: Alright, you can have a hot chocolate.

Sheldon: As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an ‘R’ in them.

Howard: Why?

Sheldon: What’s life without whimsy?

Howard: Okay, I’m out.

Raj: Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the rood somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever.

Sheldon: You’re bluffing.

Raj: Are you willing to risk it?

Sheldon: … Curse you.

Howard: What?

Raj: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us.

Howard: Excuse me?

Raj: The dating site matched a woman with Sheldon.

Howard: You’re kidding. An actual woman?

Raj: Yeah, look. Breasts and everything.

Howard: Trust me, breasts don’t necessarily mean woman.

Raj: Since when?

Howard: I’ll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime.

Howard: Leonard, you gotta see this, we found a match for Sheldon!

Leonard: Great. Maybe so can have sex with him, and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a how do you do?

Raj: Do you know what he’s talking about?

Howard: Nope. Why don’t you ask him?

Raj: Leonard, what are you talking about?

Leonard: I don’t want to talk about it.

Raj: That was a lousy suggestion.

Howard: Whatever. Right now, Dr. Sheldon Cooper had to send an e-mail to his perfect match. “Greetings, fellow life-form…”

Leonard: Coming!

Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard!

Leonard: Are you drunk?

Penny: Zack was a perfectly nice guy, and then you ruined him!

Leonard: How did I ruin him?

Penny: ‘Cause in the olden days, I never would’ve known he was so stupid.

Leonard: Come on, he wasn’t that stupid.

Penny: Yes, he was! He thought you were gonna blow up the moon!

Leonard: Okay, yeah, he’s stupid.

Penny: He spent the entire night bragging about how he invented the word appe-teasers.

Leonard: How is that my fault?

Penny: You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots. Now come with me.

Leonard: Where are we going?

Penny: WE’RE GONNA HAVE SEX!

Leonard: Why? I mean, okay.

Sheldon: What’s going on?

Penny: Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, ‘cause it’s gonna get loud.

Sheldon: Oh! Not this again.

Penny: What’s going on?

Leonard: We’re up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon.

Penny: I’m sorry, what?

Leonard: It’s pretty cool. We’ve got a two-meter parabolic reflector and everything. I thought you might want to see it.

Man in Penny’s apartment: That make no sense.

Penny: Umm…

Man: How can you bounce stuff off the moon? There’s no gravity.

Penny: Uhh, Leonard, this is Zack. Zack, Leonard.

Zack: Hey.

Leonard: Oh, sorry, I didn’t know you were busy. Maybe another time.

Penny: Yeah, maybe.

Zack: Hey, I want to see this laser thing.

Penny: Oh, but what about the party?

Zack: It’s a suprise party, doesn’t matter when we get there.

Penny: Oh, right.

Leonard: Okay, well, yeah, come on up. So, how’s you two guys meet?

Zack: My company designs the menus for the Cheesecake Factory.

Leonard: Your company?

Zack: Well, my dad’s, but me and my sister are VPs.

Leonard: So, menus.

Zack: I know it sounds easy but there’s a lot of science that goes in designing them. 

Howard: Happy now? I’m moving the dirty sock.

Sheldon: Thank you. Raj, keep an eye out for the other one.

Penny: Hey, guys, this is my friend Zack.

Zack: Hey.

Sheldon: Hello.

Zack: Whoa! Is that the laser? It’s bitchin’

Sheldon: Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin’.

Zack: Well, mission accomplished.

Leonard: Let me explain what we’re doing here. Umm, in 1969, the astronauts on Apollo 11 positioned reflectors on the surface of the moon, and we;re going to shoot a laser off one of them and let the light bounce back into this photomultiplier. 

Penny: Oh! That’s very cool.

Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won’t blow up?

Leonard: The laser?

Zack: The moon.

Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.

Leonard: Uhh, that’s a great question, Zack.

Sheldon: No, it’s not.

Penny: Sheldon! Play nice.

Sheldon: Well it’s not a great question. How could somebody possibly think we’re going to blow up the moon? That’s a great question.

Leonard: Don’t worry about the moon. We, we set our laser to stun.

Zack: Smart.

Leonard: Now, we’ll be able to see the beam when it leaves, but it won’t be strong enough when it comes back to be seen by the naked eye.

Zack: Naked.

Leonard: Right. Uhh, yeah, funny. Uhh, that device there will measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer. Raj, get them some glasses.

Zack: Cool, it’s gonna be in 3D?

Howard: Preparing to fire laser at the moon.

Sheldon: Make it so.

Howard: There it is. There’s the spike!

Leonard: 2.5 seconds for the light to return. That’s the moon. We hit the moon!

Zack: That’s your big experiment? All that for a line on the screen?

Leonard: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitely proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.

Zack: What species is that?

Sheldon: I was wrong. Penny can do better.

Penny: Okay, guys, thank you, it’s been fun.

Zack: Yeah, thanks. Should we invite them to the party?

Penny: No, just keep walking.

Sheldon: He much be very skilled at coitus.

Leonard: Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over.

*FLASHBACK

Past Sheldon: *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard?

Past Leonard: Shh. Just pretend we’re not here.

Past Sheldon: *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard?

Past Leonard: I’m sure he’ll go away.

Past Sheldon: I’m just going to keep knocking till you answer.
*Knock, knock, knock* Leonard.
*Knock, knock, knock* Leonard.
*Knock, knock, knock* Leonard.

Past Leonard: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I DIDN’T SAY COME IN!

Past Sheldon: You asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in. I’m here because you violated our roommate agreement. Specifically, section eight, visitors, subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus. “Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus.”

Past Leonard: I didn’t even know her 12 hours ago.

Joyce Kim: That’s it! I’m out of here!

Past Leonard: But, Joyce, come on.

Past Sheldon: 12 hours?

*PRESENT

Penny: Oh, my god.

Leonard: Do I get some sympathy now?

Penny: A little bit. Okay. Let me get this straight. You move in with this guy, he makes you sign a ridiculous roommates agreement, then he walks into your bedroom while you’re doing this Joyce Kim, and you still stay?

Leonard: Actually, I couldn’t get too mad at him about Joyce Kim.

Penny: Why not?

Leonard: Well, I was doing some government research at the time, you know, military, rocket fuel. It’s kind of secret.

Penny: What does that have to do with Joyce Kim?

Leonard: As it turns out, she was a North Korean spy. Luckily, Sheldon drove her out before I revealed anything important. Which I’m not saying I would have.

Penny: So, what, that’s it? You’ve stayed with Sheldon all this time because he kept you from going to federal prison?

Leonard: That was part of it. The other part is what happened with the elevator.

Penny: Oh, yeah, I’m wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.

Leonard: It was, but one night, Sheldon came home from work…

*FLASHBACK

Past Sheldon: What is going on here?

Past Leonard: Hey, Sheldon. This Howard and Raj. They work at the university, too.

Past Howard: Hey.

Past Raj: Hey.

Past Sheldon: I’ll get to you later. What are you sitting on?

Past Howard: I can’t speak for these guys, but I’m sitting on my tushie. …It’s a joke.

Past Leonard: Yeah, not a good idea.

Past Raj: Tushie is buttocks, right?

Past Howard: Right.

Past Raj: Hilarious.

Past Sheldon: Explain the couch.

Past Leonard: Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.

Past Sheldon: But what’s wrong with the furniture we have?

Past Leonard: They’re lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.

Past Sheldon: Did it occur to you that was by design?

Past Leonard: According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitles to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.

Past Sheldon: But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach.

Past Leonard: I did notify you.

Past Sheldon: Oh, you did, did you?

Past Sheldon: Oh, drat! Hoisted by my own spam folder.

Past Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder?

Past Sheldon: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled “This is funny.”

Past Raj: Oh, yeah, I saw that. That was hilarious.

*PRESENT
 Penny: Okay, what does all this have to do with the elevator?

Leonard: I’m getting to it.

*FLASHBACK

Past Sheldon: I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.

Past Raj: Okay, do you have an opinion about everything?

Past Sheldon: Yes.

Past Howard: And you just assume you’re always right?

Past Sheldon: It’s not an assumption. 

Past Sheldon: Change seats with me.

Past Raj: Why?

Past Sheldon: I don’t like this spot. I have to keep turning my head.

Past Raj: Fine.

Past Leonard: Ooh, it’s time for Babylon 5!

Past Sheldon: We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment,

Past Leonard: Why not?

Past Sheldon: Because no one likes Babylon 5.

Past Leonard: I like it.

Past Raj: I like it.

Past Howard: So do I,

Past Leonard: There you go - three against one.

Past Sheldon: They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.

Past Leonard: But I said no to that.

Past Sheldon: And I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me.

Past Howard: Why?

Past Sheldon: There’s a draft on my neck over here.

Past Howard: So, I get the draft?

Past Sheldon: You’re protected by your turtleneck.

Past Howard: Fine. And it’s a dickey.

Past Sheldon: Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here.

Past Leonard: We can fix that. Let’s leave.

Past Howard: Yeah, we can go over to my place.

Past Sheldon: Wait. Let me get my jacket.

Past Howard: You’re not going with us.

Past Sheldon: Why not?

Past Raj: You’re the guy we’re trying to get away from.

Past Sheldon: Oh. Well, in that case, I don’t need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is I’m the guy from whom you’re trying to get away.

Past Sheldon: Oh, yes, this is definitely going to be my spot.

*PRESENT

Penny: Okay, how do you know he said that? You left the room.

Leonard: Hey, do you want me to finish working on your man feet or not?

Penny: Fine. Go ahead.

*FLASHBACK

Past Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, are you having a playdate?

Past Howard: I don’t have playdates! I have colleagues!

Past Mrs. Wolowitz: Do their parents know they’re here?

Past Howard: No, but if you keep screaming, maybe they’ll hear you!

Past Leonard: That your dad?

Past Howard: She grows any more hair on her face, yes.

Past Leonard: Oh, man. Is that a two-stage rocket?

Past Howard: Three. I designed the engine myself.

Past Raj: Cool. Can it break Mach 1?

Past Howard: Oh, probably, if I could get my hand on that new fuel the government’s been working on.

Past Leonard: Oh, this just might be your lucky day.

Past Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, what happened to the Oreos I left on the counter?!

Past Howard: I haven’t seen your Oreos! Just take you bath without them!

*PRESENT

Penny: So, why was it his lucky day?

Leonard: Well, it turns out I had a little rocket full in the apartment.

Penny: What were you doing with rocket full in your apartment?

Leonard: Mmm, Joyce Kim was kind of curious about what I did for a living, and I was going to kind of show it to her. It’s not important. The point is, the guys and I went back the apartment.

Penny: Are we ever going to get to the elevator?

Leonard: Yeah, we’re really close. Uhh, uhh, we’re at the apartment.

*FLASHBACK

Past Leonard: Let trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate at 8000 kilonewtons of thrust.

Past Howard: Nice.

Past Raj: Cool.

Past Sheldon: Won’t work.

Past Leonard: Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work.

Past Sheldon: You don’t see your mistake, do you?

Past Leonard: There’s no mistake.

Past Sheldon: This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.

Past Leonard: Well, I’ve adjusted the formula.

Past Sheldon: Not correctly.

Past Leonard: Okay, I’ve had it with you. You might an expert on theoretical physics and science-fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics. And when it come to applied physic… Uh-oh!

Past Howard: What’s happening?

Past Leonard: A bad thing. A very bad thing. Get the door! Get the door! GET THE DOOR! GET THE DOOR! GET THE DOOR!

Past Howard: You’re waiting for the elevator?

Past Leonard: Oh. Right.

Past Raj: Wait. It’s here.

Past Sheldon: Give me that! Get out!

Past Leonard: What’d you do that for? I had plenty of time.

BOOOOOOM!!

Past Sheldon: You’re welcome.

*PRESENT

Leonard: Not only did Sheldon save my life, he didn’t rat me out to the landlord. Or the police. Or Homeland Security.

Penny: Okay, so, basically, you’re the reason I have to walk up and down three flights of stairs everyday?

Leonard: So I did something stupid. I’m sure you did stupid things when you were younger. What were you doing seven years ago?

Penny: Excuse me, I was in high school. Studying, keeping my nose clean, doing volunteer work for the community…

*FLASHBACK

Past Penny: Not pregnant. Yes!

Leonard: Can I sleep on your couch?

Penny: Uhh, well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.

Leonard: You heard that, huh?

Penny: Apparently, the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat, then the other fella went bat-crap crazy.

Leonard: So you agree, he’s nuts.

Penny: Well, not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.

Leonard: Believe it or not, he was worse when I met him.

Penny: Oh, I do not believe that.

Leonard: You are so naive. Just like I was seven years ago.

*FLASHBACK

I’d just started at the university.

Past Leonard: Excuse me, I’m looking for Sheldon Cooper’s apartment.

Man: Oh, I bet you’re here to check out the room for rent.

Past Leonard: Yeah.

Man: Run away, dude.

Past Leonard: What?

Man: Run fast, run far.

*PRESENT

Leonard: That should have been my first clue.

Penny: So Sheldon’s last roommate tried to warn you off?

Leonard: For all I knew, he was the crazy one. He had this really deranged look.

Penny: Well, yeah, he’d been living with Sheldon.

Leonard: Sure, it makes sense now.

*FLASHBACK

Anyway, I went upstairs and knocked on the door.

Transvestite: Yeah?

Past Leonard: Dr. Cooper.

Transvestite: No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.

In retrospect, that was clue number two.

Past Sheldon: Yes?

Past Leonard: I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said…

Past Sheldon: I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?

Past Leonard: What?

Past Sheldon: You said you’re a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas.

Past Leonard: Uhh, radon?

Past Sheldon: Are you asking me or telling me?

Past Leonard: Telling you?

Past Leonard: Telling you.

Past Sheldon: Alright, next question. Kirk or Picard?

Past Leonard: Oh, uhh, well, that’s tricky. Umm, well, uhh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.

Past Sheldon: Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter. 

Past Leonard: Oh, this is pretty nice. Uhh, the bedrooms are back there?

Past Sheldon: That depends.

Past Leonard: I don’t understand, their, their existence is conditional?

Past Sheldon: No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.

Past Leonard: There’s three?

Past Sheldon: Each more daunting then the last. Have a seat.

Past Leonard: Okay.

Past Sheldon: No! That’s where I sit!

Past Leonard: What’s the difference?

Past Sheldon: This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

Past Leonard: Can you do that?

Past Sheldon: Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.

Past Leonard: Uhh, yeah, experimental physics.

Past Sheldon: Hmm…

Past Leonard: What is that?

Past Sheldon: Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university everyday?

Past Leonard: Yes.

Past Sheldon: And you have a vehicle?

Past Leonard: A car, yeah.

Past Sheldon: And you’ll be willing to drive me?

Past Leonard: Well, can’t you drive?

Past Sheldon: I can. I choose not to.

Past Leonard: Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right?

Past Sheldon: Why don’t you let me do this.

Past Leonard: Come on, I just asked.

Past Sheldon: Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?

Past Leonard: Uhh, I’m gonna go with preserving the knowledge.

Past Sheldon: That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment.

Past Leonard: Oh, good. I passed the barriers.

Past Sheldon: The second barrier. Don’t get cocky.

Past Sheldon: This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?

Past Leonard: Uhh, I guess.

Past Sheldon: This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?

Past Leonard: When I have to.

Past Sheldon: When you have to? I’m sorry I don’t rent to hippies.

Past Leonard: I, I’m sorry, uh, in the morning. Around eight.

Past Sheldon: I can’t give you eight. I can give you seven thirty.

Past Leonard: Fine. I’ll take it.

Past Sheldon: Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!

Past Leonard: Is this is?

Past Sheldon: No, this is my room. People don’t go in my room.

Past Leonard: So where do you sleep?

Past Sheldon: I don’t understand.

Past Leonard: If people don’t go in there, and you’re people, and… You are people, aren’t you?… Making a joke.

Past Sheldon: Do you do this often?

Past Leonard: On occasion.

Past Sheldon: Your room.

Past Sheldon: You may want to repaint.

*PRESENT

Penny: Okay, and after all that, you just moved in?

Leonard: No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details.

*FLASHBACK

Past Sheldon: Roommates agree that friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly.

Past Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?

Past Sheldon: We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. Alright, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.

Past Leonard: We have a flag?

Past Sheldon: Never fly it upside down unless the apartment’s in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely 5 seconds.

Past Leonard: Okay.

Past Sheldon: Well that’s disappointing.

*PRESENT

Penny: Why on earth did you agree to all that?

Leonard: It was the best apartment I’d seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you’ve passed the first three barriers you kind of want to take it all the way.

Penny: Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you.

Leonard: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the other morning.

Penny: You mean you and Dr. Slutbunny?

Leonard: Yeah, I wanted to explain.

Penny: Well, you don’t owe me an explanation.

Leonard: I don’t?

Penny: No, you don’t.

Leonard: So you’re not judging me?

Penny: Oh, I’m judging you nine ways to sunday, but you don’t owe me an explanation.

Leonard: Nevertheless, I’d like to get one the record so you can understand why I did what I did.

Penny: I’m listening.

….

….

….

Leonard: She let me.

Raj: What?

Howard: What do you mean what? It’s Halo night.

Raj: I can’t, I’m too sick. Go away.

Howard: That’s why we moved Halo night here. Look, I brought my mom;s chicken soup.

Raj: I’m not hungry.

Elizabeth: Don’t send him away. Let him in.

Howard: Who’s that?

Raj: I bought a parrot.

Howard: Yeah, right.

Howard: Dr. Plimpton?

Elizabeth: Hi. Howard, right?

Howard: Uhh, yeah.

Elizabeth: Can I ask you a question, Howard? Do you like role-playing games?

Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I’m a dungeon master.

Elizabeth: Not tonight. Tonight you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but uh-oh, Raj and I don’t have enough money to pay you. So we’ll have to come to some other kind of arrangement. 

Howard: Beg pardon?

Elizabeth: You two figure out the details, I’m going to go change into something I don’t mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.

Howard: What the frak?

Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not Kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.

Howard: We broke up weeks ago.

Raj: Why didn’t you say anything?

Howard: I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.

Leonard: Hey, who’s ready for Halo?

Raj: Oh, this is like a nightmare! Get lost!

Howard: He’s right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.

Leonard: I don’t understand.

Elizabeth: Oh, good. Leonard’s here.

Raj: GOOD?

Leonard: Elizabeth? What’s going on?

Elizabeth: What’s going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don’t have enough money to pay any of you.

Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she’s suggesting?

Howard: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.

Raj: Okay, show of hands. Who’s up for this?

Leonard: We’ll all be naked… in front of each other.

Howard: I’m out.

Elizabeth: Everybody ready?

Raj: Almost. We’re, we’re going to go out into the hallway and, uh, make a dramatic entrance.

Elizabeth: Oh, good. It’s so much better when everyone commits.

Raj: Run. Run, run, run. Don’t look back!

Leonard: I thought we had something special…

Raj: So you say you can’t pay your rent?

Elizabeth: No.

Penny: Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work.

Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light?

Penny: No, Mr. smarty-ants. I ignored the fill gas tank light.

Sheldon: Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.

Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure, let me just put this is a travel mig.

Penny: Hello.

Elizabeth: Hi.

Sheldon: Oh, Penny, this is Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn’t understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine.

Elizabeth: Nice to meet you.

Penny: Nice to meet you, too. Are you enjoying your stay?

Elizabeth: Yes, very much.

Penny: Good.

Sheldon: Wonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard’s bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him.

Elizabeth: Excuse me.

Leonard: Okay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work. You and Sheldon and Sheldon’s friend, DR. Plimpton, whop you just let. It’ll be fun. Like a clown car.

Penny: Hang on.

Leonard: Hmm? Yeah? What? Huh?

Penny: We just broke up.

Leonard: What, uh, you and me? Yeah, we did. Not too long ago. How are you doing with it?

Penny: Not as good as you apparently.

Leonard: I, umm, I don’t follow.

Penny: You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.

Leonard: Well, now…

Sheldon: Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.

Penny: I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened.

Sheldon: That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.

Leonard: Well…

Sheldon: No.

Leonard: Come one. It wasn’t my fault.

Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?

Penny: You know what? I’m just gonna take the bus to work.

Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you.

Penny: Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.

Sheldon: I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.

Leonard: I didn’t betray Penny.

Sheldon: Not Penny, me!

Leonard: How am I betraying you?

Sheldon: Elizabeth’s my friend, and you’re playing with her!

Leonard: Yeah, I guess I did.

Elizabeth: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand.

Elizabeth: Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.

Sheldon: Hello.

Elizabeth: Nice to finally meet you in person.

Sheldon: I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard: Hi-lo.

Leonard: Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live here, you’re brilliant.

Sheldon: I apologize. He’s only a experimental physicist. 

Elizabeth: No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry. I’m rambling. Hi-lo.

Leonard: Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything?

Sheldon: No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?

Elizabeth: Interesting choices. Bases on my current needs, I guess I’d pick the yogurt.

Sheldon: Excellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles.

Leonard: Look, it’s you.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Oh, penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads.

Sheldon: Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?

Penny: What? What are you doing with, what?

Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.

Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?

Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.

Penny: Oh. …What?

Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews, and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.

Penny: Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you?

Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?

Penny: Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m.. puzzles. Yeah, let’s go with puzzles.

Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try and avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.

Penny: Female jibber jabber?

Sheldon: Shoes sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina. 

Penny: Oh, they’re not my friends.

Sheldon: I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.

Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.

Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?

Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.

Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?

Sheldon: Sarcasm?

Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.

Sheldon: For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.

Raj: The cosmological physicist from Princeton?

Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin.

Sheldon: We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.

Leonard: Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a HUGE fan of hers!

Sheldon: I didn’t realizee I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re  fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.

Leonard: Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep?

Sheldon: My room, of course.

Raj: Holy crap!…

Raj: Holy crap!

Howard: Yeah, umm, I have a two-part question.

Sheldon: Go ahead.

Howard: A. Are you kidding me? And B. Are you freaking kidding me?

Sheldon: A. I rarely kid. And B. When I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word Bazinga.

Howard: So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?

Sheldon: Yes… Bazinga. Leonard?

Leonard: Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist saying in our apartment instead of a hotel?

Sheldon: Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet.

Sheldon: Alright, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?

Raj: When can I sit with you again?

Sheldon: When I’ve seen two consecutive throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. Alright, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.

Leonard: I can’t believe he’s friends with Elizabeth Plimpton.

Raj: I can’t believe they let him into Canada.

Howard: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard the man. Where’s your throat cultures?

Howard: Kidding! Sit down.

Raj: ASHOO!

Leonard: It’s ten o’clock, where have you been?

Sheldon: We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.

Leonard: I was going to see that with him.

Penny: How was I supposed to know that?

Sheldon: It’s alright. I’ll see it again with you.

Leonard: And I have food here. You said you were going to call.

Penny: I know, I know.

Sheldon: I can still eat.

Penny: No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.

Sheldon: Okay, but just don’t fight.

Leonard: We’re not fighting.

Penny: Just go.

Leonard: Aren’t you going to thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?

Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.

Penny: You’re welcome, sweetie.

Leonard: Want a cup of coffee?

Penny: Oh, umm, I should probably get going.

Leonard: Come on. It’s just a cup of coffee.

Penny: Yep, okay.

Howard: Oh, yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.

Leonard: What am I smelling?

Penny: Sheldon’s churro on my shoes.

Leonard: Sheldon seems to think that I would be upset about you hanging out with him. But I just want you to know it’s fine.

Penny: Oh, oh, good, because, umm, his mother called me.

Leonard: His mother?

Penny: Yeah, she wants me to take him shopping for sheets and towels.

Leonard: I was going to do that.

Penny: Oh, well, then you, you do it.

Leonard: No, I don’t want to do it. You can do it.

Penny: Okay, you can take him for shoes.

Leonard: I JUST took him for shoes.

Penny: Well, all I know is he says they hurt his feet.

Leonard: Fine. I’ll take him for shoes next saturday.

Penny: Oh, no, no, no, a bunch of us from work are going to Disneyland next saturday and Sheldon wants to come.

Leonard: You’re taking him to Disneyland?

Penny: Well, he heard me making plans on the phone. Was I going to say no?

Leonard: Alright. But let me know if you’re going to stuff him with junk food. I don’t want to bring home a nice dinner for him and see it go to waste.

Penny: We’re going to Disneyland. He’s going to eat junk food.

Leonard: All I’m saying is give me a heads-up.

Penny: Okay, whatever.

Leonard: And don’t let him go on Space Mountain after he eats. He’ll say he can handle it, but I promise you’ll end up with churro puke on your shoes.

Penny: Alright, got it. Is there anything else?

Leonard: Yeah, don’t let Goofy near him. He’ll have nightmares and I’ll have to deal with it.

Penny: What’s the problem with Goofy?

Leonard: Wish I knew. He’s fine with Pluto.

Sheldon: *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard.
     *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard. 
     *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard.

Leonard: Oh, just come in!

Sheldon: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

Leonard: What do you want, Sheldon?

Sheldon: Maybe this isn’t a good time.

Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to god I will kill you.

Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

Leonard: What. Do. You. Want?

Sheldon: You may want to sit down.

Leonard: I’m in bed!

Sheldon: Point taken. You may want to sit up.

Leonard: SHELDON!

Sheldon: I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.

Leonard: Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?

Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?

Leonard: Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny?

Sheldon: I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.

Leonard: Then why did you have Chinese food with us?

Sheldon: I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

Leonard: Is it possible he said Bros before hos?

Sheldon: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.

Leonard: Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny.

Sheldon: Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?

Leonard: Yes.

Sheldon: Well then as my meemaw would say, “Looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.”

Leonard: I guess not.

Sheldon: And now, as promised, then tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.

Penny: Was Leonard okay with you coming over?

Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, he said, “I’m fine, I don’t care.” And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.

Penny: Well, good.

Sheldon: And I’m pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.

Penny: He’s been crying?

Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.

Penny: Oh, god, I feel terrible.

Sheldon: Do you have a stomach ache, too?

Penny: No. Why, do you?

Sheldon: No.

Penny: Why did you ask if I had one, too?

Sheldon: Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.

Penny: Alright. So, what’s new in your life?

Sheldon: Well, my new shoes are not made for running.

Penny: Have you been running?

Sheldon: No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Penny: I’m so glad you like it.

Sheldon: I do. Leonard never cooks for me.

Penny: Well, maybe that’s ‘cause Leonard can’t cook.

Sheldon: You can’t cook and you made me this.

Penny: Whatever. Oooh, I’m going to get the cheesecake out of the fridge.

Sheldon: Oh, lord, I’m in Jewish hell.

Leonard: Yeah?

Raj: I haven’t had sex in a year.

Leonard: Where you going with this, Raj?

Raj: Don’t flatter yourself, dude. I want to go out and meet a woman.

Leonard: So go.

Raj: Well, I need a wingman. I don’t want to come off like a lonely loser.

Leonard: And you think my presence will help with that?

Raj: Well, I do. Next to you, I’ll look like a catch.

Leonard: I’m not going out tonight, Raj.

Raj: Alright. Would you mind if I went to your room and downloaded some Asian pornography?

Leonard: Very much.

Raj: Doesn’t have to be Asian.

Leonard: Don’t worry. You’ll meet a girl someday.

Raj: No, I won’t.

Leonard: Yes, you will, and she’ll be beautiful, and kind and sexy and funny and everything you ever wanted in a woman.

Raj: You really think so?

Leonard: I do, and you’ll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she’ll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces.

Raj: But we’ll have sex first, right?

Sheldon: I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.

Leonard: You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.

Raj: What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you?

Sheldon: Ahh, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.

Leonard: Since when do you take after-dinner walks?

Howard: Since when do you take walks?

Sheldon: I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin. and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.

Howard: Hold on. I’ll talk down with you.

Sheldon: Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.

Howard: Or we could go together.

Sheldon: I can’t think of a reason why not.

Howard: Let’s go.

Sheldon: Hold on… Nope, no reason.

…

Raj: I’ve missed you.

Sheldon: I see you bought Mama Italia Marinara Spaghetti Sauce.

Penny: Yep.

Sheldon: That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.

Penny: Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.

Sheldon: I’m hungry now.

Penny: Oh. Umm, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over?

Sheldon: Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?

Penny: I don’t have hot dogs.

Sheldon: Oh, it’s alright, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat.

Leonard: Hey, where you been?

Sheldon: I was talking with Penny.

Howard: What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool.

Leonard: No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.

Raj: Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.

Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

Howard: So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.

Sheldon: Which team picks last?

Howard: What?

Sheldon: Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.

Leonard: Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.

Sheldon: Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Leonard: Okay.

Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?

Leonard: I don’t know. Why?

Sheldon: Just making dinner conversation. Go, Team Leonard!