Sheldon: I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.
Leonard: That’s pretty cool.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.
Leonard: You’ve really got to get out more.
Sheldon: Go north. You can’t go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seat belts, kill troll. With what? With sword. You don’t have the sword. Good golly, it’s as if it’s actually happening to me.
* Knock, knock, knock*
Priya: Raj finally went to bed.
Leonard: Yeah, well, Sheldon’s still up.
Priya: You said he goes to bed at 9.
Leonard: Yeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and…
Sheldon: Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll.
Priya: Can’t you get rid of him.
Leonard: If the past is any indication, no.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.
Leonard: Drop axe.
Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant.
Leonard: Give me a minute.
Sheldon: Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to work in the morning.
Sheldon: I know.
Leonard: Well then, bed mister.
Sheldon: Five more minutes.
Leonard: Really? You’re going to risk getting sleeping in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public.
Sheldon: Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.
Leonard: You don’t want that, do you?
Sheldon: No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?
Leonard: Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.
Sheldon: That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.
Leonard: No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work.
Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.
Leonard: Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon!
Sheldon: I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.
Leonard: We’re going to have to be very quiet.
Sheldon: I know how to get the bucket!
Sheldon: I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest.
Sheldon: Oh, dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.
Leonard: No, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I’ll help you.
Leonard: So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times?
Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?
Leonard: I don’t know. Maybe.
Sheldon: I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned for your well-being.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot.
Amy: May I offer an observation?
Leonard: What the hell? How long has she been here?
Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.
Leonard: That was two hours ago.
Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.
Amy: From a neurological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based STINK of desperation.
Sheldon: Did you know that, Leonard?
Sheldon: I did.
Amy: I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?
Leonard: No, I’m not gonna try and pick up a woman in a bar.
Sheldon: Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts. separately or together. Leonard has none of the attributes, right, Leonard?
Amy: That’s not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example.
Sheldon: Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing?
Leonard: Keep going. I’m listening.
Amy: That was rude.
Sheldon: He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.
Amy: Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word.
Sheldon: Let’s make that our word of the day.
Amy: Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow.
Sheldon: Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.
511. At Luna's wedding, the whole of the front row of seats was reserved for apparently no one. Harry went up to her at the end of the service. "Luna, who was meant to sit there?" Luna turned her glassy eyes on him. "Oh, they did sit there. In a spiritual way, I suppose," she said. She pointed out the seats one by one. "Right. That one's for my mother, those are for your parents because I think I would have liked them, that one is for Sirius, the one next to that is for Professor Lupin - they were friends, weren't they? - and that's for Tonks, then Fred Weasley, then Mad-Eye, then Professor Dumbledore, then Professor Snape. I hope they liked the wedding." She smiled and waved into what was seemingly empty space, before prancing off into the crowds. Harry had never felt so touched before.
Leonard: … if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk.
Sheldon: That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: It will also help improve her initial impression of you.
Leonard: So what’s going on with you two?
Sheldon: Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.
Leonard: Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for 7 years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.
Leonard: Got it.
Sheldon: I sense judgement on your part.
Leonard: No, no. …Maybe a little.
Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy?
Leonard: Jealous? What do I have to be jealous of?
Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.
Leonard: Oh, right. That.
Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hullk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.
Bernadette: Okay. You know, busy, school, work. You?
Howard: Same. I took a scuba-diving course over the summer, but it turns out I’m terrified of the ocean.
Bernadette: Too bad.
Howard: You wouldn’t know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit, boy’s large?
Howard: Yeah, forget it. Not important. So, are you seeing anyone?
Bernadette: Well, to be honest…
Penny: Hey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you something to drink?
Howard: Not for me, thanks.
Bernadette: I’m okay.
Penny: Are you gonna want to order food?
Howard: Maybe later.
Howard: So, are you seeing anybody?
Penny: That’s what I told him when he asked me. I hope that’s not out of line.
Bernadette: No, that’s fine.
Howard: Penny, can we have a little privacy?
Penny: Oh. I’m sorry.
Bernadette: What about you, have you been seeing anybody?
Howard: Well, you know how it is with guys. I mean, we have needs and…
Bernadette: So you’ve been seeing other girls?
Howard: Well, not real girls.
Bernadette: Does that mean slutty trolls?
Penny: You know, you look thirsty. I brought you some iced tea.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Penny: It’s passion fruit, new on the menu.
Bernadette: I know. I work here.
Penny: Oh, sorry. Yeah, you’re right. Doy. So, Howard, trolls, yay or nay?
Howard: Isn’t there somewhere else you can be?
Penny: Not where I can hear you guys.
Howard: Okay, fine. I’ll admit, there are dark, sordid little corners of the internet where the name Wolowizard is whispered in hushed tones. But the only reason I go there, the only reason I’ve ever gone there is because I don’t have a real woman in my life.
Penny: Yeah, that’ll hold me for a while.
Bernadette: Howard, you did have a real woman. I was right there in the next room while you were clicking that troll’s brains out.
Howard: Yeah, but we weren’t, I-I mean, you and I never…
Bernadette: Had sex?..
Bernadette: Well, whose fault was that?
Penny: Complimentary nachos! You enjoy.
Penny: Never had sex? Wow.
Howard: What do you mean, whose fault was that?
Bernadette: Well, we could’ve been having sex, but you never made the move.
Howard: I didn’t think you wanted me to make the move.
Bernadette: Howard, a girl doesn’t go out with a man like you, with your looks, your fancy patter, and your tight hoochie pants if she’s not expecting him to eventually make the move.
Howard: Son of a bitch.
Penny: Hey, this is a little awkward, but my manager says I can’t actually GIVE nachos away. So…
Howard: Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
Penny: Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.
Howard: I just have a question. Does Bernadette ever talk about me?
Penny: Oh, absolutely.
Howard: She does?
Penny: Yeah, sure. Just yesterday, she asked why is Howard hiding under the table?
Howard: She saw that, huh?
Penny: Oh, no, not at first. Right after I pointed it out.
Howard: Let me ask you something else. Is she seeing anybody?
Penny: Uh, not that I know of. Hey, while we’re on the subject, why did you guys break up anyway?
Howard: Oh, I’d rather not say.
Penny: Howard, if you want my help, I’ve got to know what happened.
Howard: But it’s embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that’s what I’m counting on. Spill.
Howard: Okay. Well, you know World of Warcraft?
Penny: Um, the online game? Sure.
Howard: Well, did you know that the characters in the game can have sex with each other?
Penny: Oh, god. I think I see where this is going.
Howard: Her name was Glissinda the Troll. Bernadette walked in on me while we were doing the cyber-nasty under the Bridge of Souls.
Penny: Oh, you’re right. That is so embarrassing.
Howard: Would you talk to her?
Penny: Bernadette of the troll?
Howard: Bernadette. She was so mad at me, she wouldn’t even listen to my side of the story.
Penny: Well, what was your side?
Howard: Well, for all we know, Glissinda the Troll wasn’t even a real woman. I mean, she could’ve been a 50 year old truck driver in New Jersey.
Penny: Really? And that didn’t make her feel better?
Howard: Will you talk to her, see if there’s any chance at all we could get back together?
Penny: Oh, gee, Howard, I really don’t want to get in the middle of this.
Howard: No. Why would you? I’m just another lonely nerd, living with his mother, trying to find any scrap of happiness he can. You know, maybe to make up for the fact that his dad left him when he was 11.
Penny: Okay, I will think about it.
Howard: You know, I’ve always blamed myself for him leaving. I always thought it was because I wasn’t the son he wanted.
Penny: Yeah, I said I’d think about it.
Howard: I wasn’t athletic, yeah, I was kind of sickly.
Penny: Okay, fine. Look, look, I’m calling her now! See?
Leonard: … you never told me what happened between you and Bernadette.
Howard: I did a stupid thing.
Leonard: Yeah, I guessed that.
Howard: It was the kind of thing that makes it kind of hard to face her now.
Leonard: That covers anything from farting in bed to killing a homeless guy.
Leonard: Oh, my god. You ran over a hobo.
Howard: No. Stop asking.
Leonard: Alright, fine. So you want to get back together with her, but you’re too ashamed to face her because of whatever it is you did.
Howard: In a nutshell.
Leonard: Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so he doesn’t know it’s you.
Howard: Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.
Raj: You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk?
Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.
Raj: You have a desk.
Raj: But I can’t have one.
Sheldon: You’re two for two.
Leonard: Why can’t he have a desk, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, lord, will this day never end? As I’ve mentioned repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.
Raj: Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?
Howard: Okay, what if he buys his own desk?
Raj: Yeah, what if I buy my own desk?
Sheldon: That’s ridiculous.
Sheldon: It’s my office.
Sheldon: Alright, alright. He can buy his own desk.
Raj: And I can put it in your office?
Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?
Leonard: Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?
Sheldon: They do some of their best work at night.
Raj: … if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.
Sheldon: Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.
Raj: Oh, you’re so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogance. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.
Sheldon: You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Captain Arroganto.
Howard: Ahaha. I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
Leonard: Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.
Raj: Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data…
Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny?
Penny: What’s up?
Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.
Howard: No, no, no. He won. Suck it up.
Penny: Well, I’d ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn’t eat dessert on tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn’t tell me. Howard won’t order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard’s lactose intolerant, so he can’t eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Leonard: No, I can’t eat melon.
Penny: Oh, Howard, heads up. Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift.
Leonard: When was the last time you saw her?
Howard: Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?
Bernadette: Hi, guys.
Sheldon: I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Leonard: So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project?
Sheldon: Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.
Sheldon: I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.
Leonard: Okay, we need to talk.
Sheldon: About what?
Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.
Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.
Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine.
Sheldon: It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.
Leonard: Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup.
Sheldon: It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.
Leonard: Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves, and that five-pound dumbbell.
Sheldon: You didn’t break up, she dumped you.
Leonard: She didn’t dump me. It was mutual!
Sheldon: I was there. She dumped you.
Leonard: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she dies? They ate her.
Sheldon: You don’t have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I’m already a fan.
Sheldon: Alright, fellas, who’s in the mood for Fancy Feast?
Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.
Amy: It’s very impressive, for theoretical work.
Sheldon: Do I detect a hint of condescension?
Amy: I’m sorry, was I being too subtle?
Amy: I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.
Leonard, Howard, and Raj: Oooh!
Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?
Amy: I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecated Clarke-Maxwell.
Sheldon: You take that back.
Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrated that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than Leonard’s research, and by extension, of course, yours.
Leonard: I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clarke-Maxwell, so…
Sheldon: Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.
Amy: Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.
Sheldon: That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!
Amy: We appear to have reached an impasse.
Sheldon: I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.
Leonard, Howard, and Raj: No, uh-uh.
Sheldon: The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.
Amy: Good day, Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses.
Sheldon: She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.
Leonard: Got it.
Sheldon: Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance.
Sheldon: Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.
Leonard: Yeah, not my point.
Sheldon: I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.
Leonard: Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious, and, frankly just obnoxious.
Leonard: So we already have you for all that.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?
Leonard: No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else.
Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.
Amy: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?
Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.
Amy: Correct. My turn.
Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play “The Maple Leaf Song”?
Amy: Tuned bayonets.
Amy: Isn’t it obvious?
Sheldon: You’re right. My apologies.
Leonard: What the hell are you guys playing?
Sheldon: It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.
Amy: We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.
Sheldon: It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.
Leonard: Alright, I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl.
Sheldon: You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
Leonard: Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don’t know.
Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.
Leonard: I can figure this out, let’s see. Um, well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon. So, I’ll say cinnamon.
Sheldon: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.
Amy: In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded. Thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry.
Amy: How does one miss that?
Leonard: This is ridiculous. You’re just making stuff up.
Amy: Is he always like this when he loses?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. You shouldn’t been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.
Leonard: You bumped the table and you know it.
Amy: Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities. We’ll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.
Leonard: I’m going to my room.
Amy: Very good, Leonard. But next time, don’t tell us where you’re hiding.