Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate, Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.
Leonard: Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Penny: You really didn’t like it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Bernadette: Raj, you should’ve seen Leonard’s experiment. The interference pattern was so cool when the election beam was on.
Leonard: I’m glad you enjoyed it. Most people aren’t that interested in what I do.
Penny: Actually, that’s not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I’ve been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of elections through the aperture the nano-fabricated metals ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-bohm quantum-interference effect. That’s it. That’s all I know.
Penny: Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, NOT the scientist.
Sheldon: Newton realized that Aristotle was wrong and force was not necessary to maintain motion. So let’s plug in our 9.8 meters per second squared as A and we get force, Earth gravity, equals mass times 9.8 meters per second per second. So we can see that MA equals MG and what do we know from this?
Penny: Uh, we know that… Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from?
Sheldon: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. …Don’t write that down!
Sheldon: Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?
Penny: I don’t know.
Sheldon: How can you not know?! I just told you! HAVE YOU SUFFERED A RECENT RECENT BLOW TO THE HEAD?
Penny: HEY! You don’t have to be so mean!
Sheldon: I’m sorry.
Sheldon: Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?!
Penny: No, you just suck at teaching!
Sheldon: Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?
Penny: Oh, god, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit?
Sheldon: Alright. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…
Penny: Not that far back!
Sheldon: Okay! At what point did you being to feel lost?
Penny: I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky?
Penny: DAMN IT!
Sheldon: There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…?
Sheldon: MA equals MG?
Penny: Then I don’t know!
Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I’m stupid!
Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.
Penny: Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: Alright. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.
Penny: Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles?
Sheldon: A good question.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?
Penny: Oh, balls.
Sheldon: It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…
Sheldon: You were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so, uh, don’t operate heavy machinery. Try not to chock on your own drool.
Penny: Wait! You have to help me get into bed.
Penny: Ahahah. Sheldon has to get me into bed. Bet you never thought I’d say that.
Sheldon: Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds.
Penny: You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs.
Sheldon: That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.
Penny: Sing “Soft Kitty” to me.
Sheldon: “Soft Kitty” is for when you’re sick. You’re not sick.
Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
Sheldon: ♫ Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Penny: Wait, wait. Let’s sing it as a round. I’ll start… ♫ Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Penny: See that’s where you come in. I’ll start over…
Penny: ♫ Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Penny: I’ve got all night, Sheldon…
Penny: ♫ Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… Penny: ♫ Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr…; Sheldon: ♫ Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… Sheldon: ♫ Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
I see no organizational system in here whatsoever.
Sheldon: Which panties do you wear on Mondays?
Penny: I don’t need panties, I just need shorts and a shirt.
Sheldon: My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.
Penny: One was already in an accident.
Sheldon: That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another… especially if I’m driving.
Penny: Clothes, Sheldon. I NEED CLOTHES!
Sheldon: Okay, here.
Penny: Seriously? Those shorts with that top?
Penny: Oh, that’s cute.
Sheldon: We should have you checked for a concussion.
Penny: Okay, now, you have to help me put these on.
Penny: But don’t look.
Sheldon: Don’t look?
Penny: I don’t want you to see me naked.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know what a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.
Penny: Yeah, great.
Sheldon: They always look. It never ends well.
Penny: Okay, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
Howard: Remember this one? Spider-Man loses a big fight and then his girlfriend breaks up with him. Want me to get it for you? It’ll help take your mind off things.
Stuart: Hey, guys. What’s going on?
Leonard: Oh, we need to kill a couple hours till the next showing of Time Bandits.
Stuart: Oh, well, no problem. I was thinking of closing early and going home, but let’s face it, that’s just a slightly smaller lonely room filled with comic books.
Leonard: Thanks, Stuart.
Leonard: Let me ask you something. Do you think it’s okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
Howard: No, I mean, she’s obviously way out of line.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: But if she dumps you, she’ll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning and you’ll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one. So the only question is, how long until you fold?
Leonard: I am not going to fold!
Raj: Well, excuse me, I don’t think Penny’s out of line at all. You don’t own her. It’s like my girl, Beyonce says, “if you like it, you shoulda put a ring on it.”
Howard: Come on. At the very least, when she found out Leonard was upset about it, she should’ve backed off.
Raj: You mean like when a guy’s upset because his friend agreed to take a cooking class with him and then doesn’t show up because he’s doing a juice fast with his mother?
Howard: I didn’t know you were upset about that.
Raj: Really? Did you miss all the subtle indicators, like me saying, "Howard, I am upset."?
Howard: Okay, sorry.
Raj: Maybe it means something different in this country. Back in India, it means you’re upset with a guy named Howard!
Howard: I said I’m sorry.
Raj: Sorry doesn’t make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy. Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? RICE!
Howard: Yeah, well, you think I was having fun, sitting around all night listening to my mother say, “have you ever peed so much in your life?”
Raj: Oh, my god, you are such a mama’s boy.
Howard: Hey, don’t bring my mother into this!
Raj: You brought your mother into this!
Sheldon: Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t quit drinkin’ I’d leave you!" "Well, I guess that makes you a liar, ‘cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here!” "Stop yelling! You’re making Sheldon cry!" "I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!”
Leonard: There’s no fooling you. …Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there?
Howard: All I know about Sacks is, my mother shops there.
Leonard: Sacks, sacks…
Sheldon: It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
Leonard: Huh… Scrimmage…
Sheldon: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
Howard: Sheldon knows football?
Howard: I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon" I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.
Sheldon: If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard: So you could teach me?
Sheldon: Football or chicken-fried meats?
Leonard: Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friend and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun.
Sheldon: That’s exactly what my father said. “Come to the games”, “watch the games”, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.
Leonard: Please, I’m asking you as a friend.
Sheldon: Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
Leonard: I really appreciate this.
Sheldon: Yeah, yeah. Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
Leonard: I’m sorry?
Sheldon: That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.
Sheldon: You’re holding two moderate spells cards, a small rock, and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.
Wil Wheaton: I think he’s got me.
Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.
Wil Wheaton: What?
Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.
Wil Wheaton: You went to the ‘95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.
Sheldon: Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, it was. But I’m really sorry that I disappointed you.
Sheldon: No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.
Wil Wheaton: It’s a special relationship, isn’t it, between a boy and his grandmother?
Sheldon: Oh, yes.
Raj: Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off!
Wil Wheaton: It’s okay, Sheldonm. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.
Raj: What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him!
Sheldon: I can’t.
Raj: Sure you can. Do it! Do it!
Sheldon: No, I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted Bunny.
Raj: No! Not Enchanted Bunny!
Wil Wheaton: I call my mee-maw nana. And she’s going to be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your Enchanted Bunny. Game over, moon pie!
Sheldon: I… I… I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let’s get our price money.
Penny: Leonard, honey, you don’t have to say thank you every time we have sex.
Leonard: Oh. Okay. Tomorrow you’re going to get a card in the mail. Just throw it away.
Howard: Top o’ the mornin’o ya!
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Howard: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he’s still working with Sheldon, so I thought I’d come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It’s the perfect meal for apres l’amour.
Penny: Oh, kill me.
Howard: By the way, I couldn’t help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn’t have had to hear that.
Howard: What do you guys think? Want to take in a matinee, maybe go rollerblading, catch a step class?
Penny: Do something.
Leonard: Yeah, okay. Um, Howard, we need to talk.
Howard: Sure. ‘sup homes?
Leonard: Uh, please understand that it’s not that we don’t want you around, but Penny and I occasionally need some alone time.
Howard: Oh. I get it, I’m the third wheel. Sorry, I should have seen that. I’ll get out of your way.
Howard: Uh, you’re gonna want to eat those eggs while they’re still hot.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: There’s lox and cream cheese in the fridge, the bagels are in the over, I was warming them up.
Penny: That’s great.
Howard: I’ll just hang out with my mom. That’s always fun.
Raj: I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
Sheldon: For me.
Raj: Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
Sheldon: I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job.
Sheldon: I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.
Raj: Wha… You’re kidding!
Raj: All right.
Sheldon: So, that’s what you wear to an interview?
Raj: Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years.
Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?
Raj: Sheldon, for God’s sakes, don’t make me beg.
Sheldon: Bazinga! You’ve fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes.
Sheldon: I’m your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.
Mrs. Cooper: Howdy to you, too. You got here quick.
Leonard: We took the red-eye.
Mrs. Cooper: Well, come on in.
Howard: Thank you kindly.
Mrs. Cooper: Can I… Can I get you something drink?
Leonard: Uh, no, thank you.
Howard: If y’all don’t mind, I got a hankerin’ for a Lone Star beer.
Mrs. Cooper: There’s no alcohol in this household. Stop talking like that and lose the hat.
Howard: Sorry. I’ll take a diet Yoo-Hoo if you have it.
Mrs. Cooper: You’ll have a Cola. What about you? Radge, isn’t it?
Mrs. Cooper: Oh, you still having trouble talking to the ladies? Because, you know, at our church we have a woman who’s an amazing healer. Mostly she does, uh, crutch and wheelchair people, but I bet she’d be willing to take a shit at whatever Third World Demon is running around inside of you.
Leonard: Uh, if you don’t mind, Mrs. Cooper, there’s a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles, and you have no idea how much I want to be on it.
Mrs. Cooper: A girl?
Leonard: Uh, yes, ma’am.
Mrs. Cooper: Oh, good. I’ve been praying for you.
Mrs. Cooper: Oh, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize.
Leonard: And bring you home. So, why don’t you pack up your stuff and we’ll head back.
Sheldon: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mrs. Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelley. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.